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11.01.2025

Depleted Mother Syndrome

By Kate Pflughoeft, PhD; Nevada Department of Education, Office of Early Learning and Development, Preschool Development Grant Birth-5.  

Being a parent, it is difficult to find a win:win situation when it comes to time management. 

And while today’s dads have taken on more of the childcare/home chores, it is still Moms that tackle the bulk of the juggling when it comes to parenting.

All of this juggling leads us down a spiral of multitasking, stress and exhaustion that makes us wonder if we are doing our best at home and at work. This spiral has been dubbed Depleted Mother Syndrome.

There is a pull to spend more time with our kids while fulfilling our responsibilities at work, and the balance between the two is hard to keep in check.

As the mom of a 12-year-old, I am starting to see the light in terms of time management, but I am still stressed over how I spend my time.

Does working late to meet a deadline mean that I am neglecting my child’s needs? When my child (or parent) has a medical appointment, am I spending too much time away from the office?

There is no ideal when there are too many demands on our time. We all must make choices to make our life work, but that does not necessarily relieve the guilt of prioritizing work or family.

One thing that I have learned is that we all feel guilty over not doing enough at home with our families, to meet our work objectives, or (importantly) taking time to care for ourselves.

The best we can do is try to obtain a satisfying work/life balance. The knowledge that guilt is universal may not make you feel better if you miss a child’s first or achieve all your goals at work, but it may make it easier on your personal mental health.

There are things that you can do to help ease into a more balanced life with less stress:

1. Find supports – is there a car pool, afternoon play group, or family member or friend that can help out? Venting may not be productive but can make us feel better momentarily, remember we all know the struggles.
2. Keep organized – schedules can be useful.
3. Take time for yourself – put your kids to bed early or use your lunch break for a walk.
4. Ask your employer if they offer Flexible Spending Plans (pre-tax dollars for childcare or medical expenses), accounts that can help ease financial burdens.

How did we get here and why? When we have had several generations of moms trying to make it work, why have we not figured this out?

If we look at how work culture sees the ideal employee, it still appears to be a single man, someone that can be in the office at all hours and always available to travel.  So how can we make it easier for women, and caregivers in general, to make it work?

Solutions will have to be adopted at cultural and corporate levels, but there are solutions that allow us to raise our children and meet our career and financial goals.

However, change will not happen if we do not ask, raise our voice and let those in charge know that today’s working families need more supports to be productive employees and raise the next generation that will fuel the workforce.

Some possibilities are:

1. Flexible schedules – when elementary schools are in session from 9 am – 3 pm, traditional office hours of 8 am – 5 pm do not work.
2. On-site childcare – while higher education was an early adaptor of on-campus care, other industries are adopting on-site care.
3. Team responsibilities (or shared positions) – when one member of a team is on family or annual leave, projects are covered and all team members will be less stressed.
4. Mentorship – Everyone, regardless of their family situations, would prefer a good work/life balance. By encouraging conversations and mentorship programs employees can learn from one another.

While we wait for culture and corporate America to catch up to our needs, remember to try to make life easier on yourself.

Spread the caregiving and chores between all adults in your household, maybe say no to that additional after-school activity, and take some much needed me time - that does not include work emails.

I know it is not easy, trying to do it all is frustrating and stress inducing, but give yourself a break, you are doing your best, which is all any of us can do.